tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80505273130451664492024-03-19T09:37:33.357-07:00LATE FEESBe kind. Rewind. Or else.Joseph Sheldahlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07851803148817458591noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050527313045166449.post-2380691451059062312017-04-12T23:47:00.001-07:002017-04-12T23:47:49.759-07:00Karate Cop<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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In <i>Karate Cop</i>, the unfortunately tame-faced star, Ron Marchini, wears a hat that says "SPECIAL POLICE"- and in this post apocalyptic world, that's not exactly threatening. It brings to mind the Special Olympics, or perhaps Special Needs. There's no real police force left in the world, so who is Officer John Travis wearing this hat for? Himself? Despite all this, nobody is laughing once he lays the smack down with his feet, his fists, or a goddamn staff. There's more whoop-ass in Marchini's little finger than the average man has in his whole body. (I might be exaggerating slightly. Only slightly, though.) I love it.<br />
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Marchini can't deliver a convincing line of dialog to save his life- luckily he's also a skilled martial artist. His facial expressions are on point though. There's such a huge divide between this guy's ability to deliver dialog and his body language. Little glances and an eye roll or two actually make Officer Travis seem like a bit of a sassy-pants, and of course- it's glorious. The movie seems to lose it's way more or less after the halfway point, but not for lack of wacky shit. <i>Karate Cop</i> is nothing if not consistently entertaining- intentionally and otherwise.<br />
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To be frank, this makes <i>American Eagle</i> look like Oscar gold. Marchini looks like Ron Howard on steroids, the main villain looks like Immortan Joe by way of Guy Fieri and Jon Jeremy. David Carradine is the best actor in this movie, delivers the best performance, and he's only in the damn thing for maybe two minutes... as a bartender. The funny thing is, there's nothing about the story or the characters that's beyond saving. Recast Ron Marchini (or hire an acting coach) and the villain, drop another few million into the overall production, and voila.<br />
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I could easily see this being a decent, if unspectacular Chuck Norris vehicle. Despite all of this though, there's a VHS-level charm to the movie. Ron Marchini can clearly fight, and the movie doesn't waste time making him do much else. The whole thing plays like a non-stop chase and then back again. There's shootouts and gladiatorial pit-fights, and explosions, and juuuust a bit of T&A. At times, the production design was on point, and I was convinced this was a post apocalyptic wasteland, ruled by crazed dictators and weird mutants. That's gotta count for something right?<br />
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I enjoyed <i>Karate Cop</i>. It was dumber than a sack of bricks, but for fuck's sake- it's a movie starring a guy named Ron, called <i>Karate Cop</i>. It's a hair's breadth away from becoming a porno as is. Yet, this is the kind of movie that pop culture has taken to glorifying in abstract, with all-encompassing homages like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bS5P_LAqiVg" target="_blank"><i>Kung Fury</i></a>, or the video game <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=av5pqJaIeCk" target="_blank"><i>Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon</i></a>. There's a palpable fondness out there for shitty action movies like this. I should know, I feel the same way.<br />
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<br />Joseph Sheldahlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07851803148817458591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050527313045166449.post-47952082952311100382017-04-08T22:08:00.002-07:002017-04-08T22:14:54.992-07:00American Eagle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'm always so tempted to rate movies like this so much higher because I enjoy them so much, but none of them are particularly good. <i>Steele Justice</i>, <i>The Soldier</i>, <i>Trained to Kill</i>, etc etc. <i>American Eagle</i> is worthy of its place right alongside them.<br />
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So yeah, they're not 'good', but they are fun. Moreover, they have their own standard I hold them to. They have to at least have a consistent pace, which means lots of shootouts, funny moments, and or T&A. All of these elements have to produced with some semblance of production value. Which is why I can't stand <i>Samurai Cop</i>, but I loved <i>Steele Justice</i>.<br />
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Anyways, <i>American Eagle</i> is proudly a three star movie. It's aspires to be nothing more than a serviceable actioner with some slick violence, a handful of decent one liners, and the like. However, where <i>American Eagle</i> truly earns my favorable opinion is with a few surprisingly thoughtful moments, sprinkled throughout. After one particularly gruesome action scene, the hero stops to console his hysterical sidekick/partner. In any other movie of this kind, the uber macho action heroes would just keep on trucking, because they're the manliest of men.<br />
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There's also a surprising excess of plot in the movie. The hero is a black ops special soldier or assassin or something- and then his wife convinces him to retire, as his missions are wreaking havoc on their marriage. Anyways, she decides to go visit her brother to give him time to think about it, and she runs into some bad guys who kidnap her and a bunch of other ladies. As it turns out (spoilers ahead) the hero's old commanding officer kinda orchestrated the whole thing to hold her hostage if he doesn't agree to kill the President so that a certain elected official in "the Middle East" can rise to power.<br />
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WOOOOAH. That's a <i>fuck </i>load of plot. And 80% of it, while not unwelcome (when it's even coherent), is wholly unnecessary. The bottom line is, some assholes have this guy's wife- and he's going to kick all of the ass to get her back. He teams up with her brother- his old war comrade, to face off against Vernon "<i>Commando</i>" Wells, and the bad guy from <i>Jackie Chan's Who Am I?</i>.<br />
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The two male leads have a fun dynamic- chatting about baseball while interrogating a baddie, or discussing their half-assed plans to clear out of roomful of thugs. "You shoot the ones on the left, I'll shoot the ones on the right." It's a lot of fun. It helps that star Asher Brauner has a personality- even if it is the typical Rough & Tough™ guy thing, he also has a sense of humor and a laidback nature to him. Basically, he has decent B-movie charisma. Like a cut-rate Bronson or something.<br />
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It also doesn't hurt that each shootout is staged with an assured confidence and an accomplished competency. Thunderous gunfire roars across the screen, blood squibs explode, and the leads trade witty remarks before moving on to the next room, and the next squad of gun fodder. That's the formula these movies boil down to, and you'd be surprised how easy it is to get horribly wrong- so it's seriously appreciated when a simple little flick like <i>American Eagle</i> gets it all right.<br />
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Bonus points for the movie having a theme song so epic it repeats "<i>American Eagle</i>" a billion times with all the fire and intensity of a Kenny Loggins single.<br />
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<br />Joseph Sheldahlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07851803148817458591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050527313045166449.post-87291411801144128762017-04-08T22:01:00.003-07:002017-04-08T22:03:24.064-07:00Jakarta<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Sizzling like a grimy, lurid, 10¢ paperback come to life- <i>Jakarta </i>is the cinematic equivalent of airport literature- soaked to the bone in noir-like atmosphere, sex appeal, and violence. The lead actor, Christopher Noth, looks serviceable as a clean cut 'government agent' <i>and </i>as a heartbroken vagabond on the run from his former superiors. The femme fatale is drop dead gorgeous and the actress in the role turns in a surprisingly good performance. What's not to love?<br />
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At times the movie seems fondly obsessed with it's eponymous locale, and at other times it abruptly swerves into stereotypes and cliches- whenever it's most convenient of course. The locals are portrayed as spiritual and even mystical people, but rarely are they ever given much character or personality beyond food cart owners or rickshaw drivers and the like. The villain of the piece is almost a non-entity in the movie as he's not given much to do besides making a few Bond Villain-esque threats and showing up for the requisite climactic showdown.<br />
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I couldn't help but fall in love with this movie though. Its entertainment value is very high as the hero gets into all kinds of trouble and at a decent pace too. Footchases, car chases, shootouts, back alley brawls, and a glorious amount of explosions. But the copious amount of action never distracts from the movie's roots. <i>Jakarta </i>is awash in vibrant colors, smoky nightclubs, passionate love scenes, dimly lit hotel rooms, and shady gangster types. It's the best kind of trash and my favorite kind of sleaze.<br />
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<i> Jakarta </i>has it's fair share of flaws but it's a persistently entertaining gem that deserves to discovered by genre fans everywhere. It's actually staggering how obscure this movie is, and how underrated it is by the few that seem to have seen it. So much fun and so many lurid thrills packed into this little flick. Either way, <i>Jakarta </i>might not be worth seeking out- but stumbling across it online for a few bucks on eBay, and you've got yourself a nice little find. I paid more than the average joe might for my copy on VHS, but I feel like it was worth every penny.<br />
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I also couldn't help but notice that both <i>Bad Boys 2</i> and <i>Rush Hour 2</i> ripped off scenes from this movie... Yep.Joseph Sheldahlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07851803148817458591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050527313045166449.post-29361734999832263532017-04-08T21:11:00.001-07:002017-04-08T22:03:35.154-07:00Vigilante<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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You'd be forgiven for thinking that legendary ass-kicker Fred Williamson plays the main badass dude. He gives all the rousing "this is our land" speeches, and kicks all the requisite amount of ass- but the main dude is actually a family man played by the ever-reliable Robert Forster, who spends most of the movie completely opposed to the entire concept of vigilantism...<br />
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UNTIL THEY COME AFTER HIS FAMILY.<br />
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Actually, <i>nope</i>. Not even <u>then</u>. Dude still has faith in the 'system', until that fails him too. Then he survives some particularly rape-y dudes in jail (where they put him because he was in contempt of court) and in the end just happens to come across the main bad guy, and chases him for a while. More or fucking less, that's the whole movie. It's bizarre, and there's some ridiculously awesome surprises in there I won't spoil, but the surprisingly thing here is how damn mean-hearted the movie is. It's like director William Lustig saw the Death Wish movies, and decided to make his own movie even bleaker and more gritty. It circles right back around to being kind of absurd.<br />
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The villains are cartoonishly vile, and it's kind of great in its own way. You feel absolutely nothing but hatred for these 'characters'. They only exist to validate the movie's outrageously pro-vigilante stance. It's bad, and great, and ridiculous- all in equal measure. What's even more surprising is how good some of the performances actually are. Robert Forster is absolutely compelling in the lead role of a broken man who just wants to have faith in the system he's been taught to believe in. There's no 'fuck yeah!' moment once he picks up a gun. It's a not-so-quiet resignation that he's going to have to kill a few people. It's not a thing to cheer about.<br />
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But that's the thing, the rest of the movie is so over the top, a more energetic and shameless approach to the retribution act of the story would've pushed the whole movie deeper into cathartic territory. In the end, all I felt was dirty- truth be told.<br />
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All of these elements work in their own way, including Fred's vigilante bros, who dole out ass kickings to the local scum as necessary. But the movie itself doesn't seem to understand the formula for these kinds of basic revenge thrillers. Forster never had his own <i>Death Wish</i> moment in this movie, which is a shame. Regardless, <i>Vigilante</i> is a gritty, violent, absurd movie which I enjoyed a lot. I love the era, I love how ridiculously over the top it is, and I'm glad I own it on VHS.<br />
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<br />Joseph Sheldahlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07851803148817458591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050527313045166449.post-88943837176247396332017-04-08T14:41:00.003-07:002017-04-08T22:03:45.100-07:00The Soldier<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I love cold war thrillers like <i>The Soldier</i>. Though to be frank, the movie isn't great, but I love Ken Wahl. He looks like the 80's action movie equivalent of Brandon Routh- but with a unibrow to boot. He doesn't really seem like a super killer for the CIA, but hey who cares? Steve James is also here, and the two of them kick plenty of ass. In slow motion. Because it's cool. Can you tell this movie is already deep, <i>deep </i>in my good graces?<br />
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The movie's plot is... there. It's about a bomb or something? Or some plutonium falling into the wrong hands? Nevermind that though, <i>The Soldier </i>is full of delightfully crazy moments like a ski slope chase where Ken manages a perfect spinning jump- and while in midair, he whips out a submachine gun and shoots his pursuer- <u>center fucking mass</u>. Cue massive blood squibs. It's glorious. Also, the bad guy uses a concealed sawed off shotgun up his sleeve at one point. Also great. And Steve James gets in a bar fight where he tells the last guy "You got two choices, asshole: duck or bleed." and of course, it's a line worthy of applause. I fucking loved it. This movie is so much fun.<br />
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There's a requisite love scene, a crazily over-the-top interrogation scene, so many blood squibs, some wonderfully stale acting, the finest espionage the 80's had to offer, and some really creative action scenes. <i>The Soldier</i> might not be "good" per se, but damn if it isn't ridiculously entertaining. As soon as the movie was over, I knew I wanted fifty more movies just like it. All starring Ken Wahl and his unibrow. Oh and Klaus Kinski was in here for like, 30 seconds. What? Overall, a highly recommended for genre fans.<br />
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<br />Joseph Sheldahlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07851803148817458591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050527313045166449.post-65722505762659000592017-04-08T14:20:00.000-07:002017-04-08T22:03:56.402-07:00The Lawless Land<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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There's no giant birds or <i>Road Warrior</i> vibes in this flick. <i>The Lawless Land </i>plays more like a star-crossed lovers tale set in a post WWIII land. I think an actual apocalypse is required for something to be considered post-apocalyptic, so I guess it's not a post-apoc flick- but it is set in a mildly dystopian future and features the requisite amount of motorcycle riding, gun shooting, nudity, and neon lit bar/brothel dens to keep a genre nut like me entertained throughout.<br />
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The lead actor, Jsu Garcia, is handsome, but rather static in his acting abilities. His character Falco endures some grim stuff though and I suppose he emotes at least adequately. The female lead played by Amanda Peterson is barely in the movie, but she's arguably the best actor in it. It's a shame the movie keeps her and Garcia apart for most of the runtime, because they do have a palpable chemistry when they are together. Leon (<i>Cliffhanger</i>, <i>Cool Runnings</i>) shows up as a vicious bounty hunter named Road Kill, and Xander Berkley (<i>Air Force One</i>) shows up as a crazy traveling arms dealer in a really shifty looking van. How are you not already in love with this movie?<br />
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There's not much more than a handful of action scenes, but they are well done when they do rear their head. The movie is more focused on building atmosphere than anything. If someone took the lyrics to a somber classic rock song and turned them into a movie, it's probably look a lot like <i>The Lawless Land</i>. Dystopian future, check. Young hero who is inexplicably trained in falconry, check. A forbidden romance between two young lovers, check. A scene all about a motorcycle, check. Big guns and war paint, check.<br />
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As a major modern release it would probably leave audiences wanting (and I largely suspect it did the same even when it came out in 1988) but as a quaint little VHS curio that I'd never seen before, I found it absolutely fine. A lot of fun even. It's a low key movie of ridiculous moments and absurd characters. Maybe it's just my nostalgia for this bygone era of DTV entertainment, but I found <i>The Lawless Land</i> to be serviceable if not outright enjoyable. Nothing to get angry over, or excited about- but I'm sure glad I own it. And would you look at this stunning cover art?<br />
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<br />Joseph Sheldahlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07851803148817458591noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050527313045166449.post-41119551088132790022017-04-08T13:21:00.001-07:002017-04-08T13:35:31.809-07:00Welcome to the Suck! My name is Joseph, I collect VHS tapes of all genres. However, I do have an undying love for trashy action cinema of the 80's and 90's- the glorious pantheon of excessively violent movies where action Gods like Schwarzenegger and Stallone reign supreme. This blog will be dedicated to my collecting habits, as well as featuring reviews of movies I watch <i>on </i>VHS. I hope you enjoy this infrequently updated little mess of a blog. Thanks for reading- and remember:<br />
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Be kind, rewind.<br />
<i>Or else.</i><br />
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~ Joseph 'Nite Owl' SheldahlJoseph Sheldahlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07851803148817458591noreply@blogger.com0